Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom

That title was meant for the rich, spoiled, and worthless women who only wanted a husband to sustain her lifestyle because she didn’t “want” to work.

I am so glad that being a stay-at-home mom no longer has a bad connotation – or is it still a bit taboo? I won’t lie – for much of my young adult life I frowned upon the idea of being a stay-at-home mom. That title was meant for the rich, spoiled, and worthless women who only wanted a husband to sustain her lifestyle because she didn’t “want” to work. I grew up in a single parent household with a hard-working and very independent mother. Somehow and someway, she did it all. Without a doubt, she taught me to be independent and strive for the best. She taught me how to compete in a “man’s world”. I spent my summers and school breaks sitting in her office helping her sort through her paperwork and doing what little I could to hopefully make her life easy and oddly, I enjoyed it. I felt grown up and I would dream about the day that I would one day walk into a corporate office, sit down at my own desk, and answer emails. Why? I have no idea, but it was fun and it made me happy.

So, it’s not surprising that I couldn’t wait until I was 15 years old and could legally work. I got my first internship at 15 working for a private economic development consulting firm. It was special work-study program to provide high-school students with experience and insight into the field they desired to pursue. My passion was (and still is) to rebuild and develop prosperous communities – black communities to be more specific. I’ll speak more on that another time, but that internship set the stage for how I knew I was going to live my life – being a staunch executive or entrepreneur, running a large company, and making six figures for sure.

Since then I’ve worked several jobs. It was around my third year of college where I ventured away from my passion because I wanted to start making a decent income. I was ready to be independent like my mom taught me. However, once I graduated, life escalated quickly. During my last year, I met my now husband who was far more established than myself. He proposed that year and proceeded to push me to finish my program and begin my career so that we could start our life together.

It was at the point that I realized I absolutely had to be successful in my own right. I felt like my husband was a little out of my league – I mean, I had never seen over 30k a year in income, I hadn’t moved out of my mom’s house yet, and at 22 I was definitely flying by the seat of my pants. So, how was I going to make sure I brought something to the table aside from my cute face and nice smile?

I measured myself by my ability to make a decent income and show people how smart I am.

That thought has haunted me throughout my entire career and marriage. We’ve been married for 5 years now, we’re 3 kids in, and last year I had to make the tough decision to put my career aside and stay home with the kids. My husband left it to me to decide because I’ve always made it clear that my career was important – albeit maybe for the wrong reasons. Along the way, I allowed my career to define me to some extent. I measured myself by my ability to make a decent income and show people how smart I am. I believe I had succeeded at doing so which is why the decision to walk away was so hard.

So, why did I decide to walk away?

Well, the obvious motivator was the pandemic. Covid-19 has dictated the lives of everyone for the last 2 years and it’s not letting up. Being a firm believer in the sacrifices of corporate-life, I was once devoted to the idea that my kids would go to daycare in their primitive years. I had hardly any remorse about returning to work after spending months by their side during maternity-leave or that they would come home practically every week with a cold or infection of some sort. In my eyes, they needed that distance from me and they needed to build their immune systems. I needed that distance from them, so that I could continue to climb the corporate ladder. But, Covid-19 was and still is very much different than your average infection.

After spending a year out of daycare, the moment we put our kids back in school, a cold just didn’t seem like a simple cold anymore. My husband and I were always on pins-and-needles praying that we wouldn’t be upon the unfortunate families who’ve had to rush our child to the ER because of breathing issues. And, since my husband is not only the breadwinner but the owner of a very successful law firm, much of that burden was placed on me. Anytime the kids were sick or fighting a virus, I had to call in sick and stay home. I have no animosity toward him or the situation because it just made more sense – I could make the sacrifice without much consequence. However, I started realizing what and how significant those consequences were. In my head – despite great reviews from my team – I was underperforming. I knew I wasn’t giving my career 100% and that made me sad and depressed. Again, this was how I measured much of my self-worth. Every time I called out of work, that was another day I got behind on my deadlines – on average, we’re talking a week missed every month. I simply couldn’t handle it all.

Aside from being the main caretaker for our kids, I am the most domestic between me and my husband. I am the main cook and very particular about how the house should be cleaned. This means I spent whatever remaining hours of my day trying to compensate for where my husband simply didn’t do well. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a DAMN good lawyer, leader in our household, and provider, so that was the expectation that was set at the beginning of our marriage – Essence would manage the household. And you guessed it, I was not performing well in my domestic responsibilities as well. In my mind, I was now not only failing in my career but I was also failing my family. Furthermore, it was costing us. Here we are, paying for daycare we can hardly use, eating take-out most of the week, and living in chaos because I couldn’t catch up with my chores. My anxiety was at an all-time high.

Let’s just say, I might have bitten off more than I could chew. But, on the bright-side, I could spend more time with my kids, which is something I never considered I would enjoy. Of course, I enjoy spending time with my kids but the thought of being with them 24/7 never crossed my mind. Last year taught me that I enjoyed teaching them and helping them develop their skills. It hasn’t been all roses but it’s been the perfect amount of happiness I needed.

How much happier would I be if I didn’t let my career and salary define me?

With that thought, I started to wonder how much happier I’d be if I did have the time to bring more order to our household. Or, how much more relaxed I’d be if I wasn’t beholding to a company and trying to keep up with deadlines. How much happier would I be if I didn’t let my career and salary define me? [I didn’t even mention all the side-businesses and ventures I pursued to make more money while working a corporate job – but I’ll save that and the ridiculous pay gap in the corporate world for another day.]

So, where are we now?

Well, I am about 2 months into being a stay-at-home mom. Since my departure from my job, I’ve had some amazing conversations with friends and family about making the move. All of them have been supportive. Of course, some of them have come with warnings about being able to provide for myself in the event the unthinkable happens. I think my decision to be a stay-at-home mom will continue to be judged based on preconceived ideologies born from the women’s movement and generations of women who have been scorned by worthless men. It’s sad, but its understandable.

I’m sure I’ll learn a great deal about myself and what I’m capable of doing. I’ve already thought of a million ways I can use my spare time to bring in some extra income but I’m so grateful that we’re in a position that I don’t have to. I’m grateful that I have a supportive and amazing husband. With that, I’m also finding a new appreciation for a career in homemaking. This new job is so important to the wellbeing of our family. It requires me to be even more mentally strong and emotionally stable than when I worked in corporate. It’s entrepreneurial in many ways because the success of my family relies on me being able to manage my time effectively and ensure everyone has all the tools they need to be successful. I’ve always been a servant to others – especially those that I love – so this new role fits right in.

…when you and your partner are in sync, great things happen.

As for my identity, you can say it’s still defined by my career to some degree. However, it’s less about how much money I can make and more aboutmy ability to strengthen our family unit. I’ve also had to remind myself that much of my identity is also defined by me and my husband’s marital values. Marriage and the power of partnership is also a discussion for another day but when you and your partner are in sync, great things happen.

I’m looking forward to my new role and being a part of the movement that redefines what it means to be a stay-at-home mom. I hope that other women grappling with the same decision find out what truly matters most to them. I hope they are able to understand and define their identity. Most of all, I hope they embrace the tide and flow in the direction that most suits them and not what society expects.

Cheers to blind, furious optimism.

Ess.